I am moving to livejournal. Actually i moved a while ago, so anyone who is interested may visit me at http://www.livejournal.com/users/talon_karrde/ . I plan to be posting bi-weekly at the very latest so you may actually be able to follow my life! Additionally there will be a smattering of both depressing and happy things there, i will make an effort to keep things balanced, as opposed to here which is just the depressing stuff. Anyway, cya there!

Well I'm already sick of the game Guild Wars that I just bought. I dont know why, I am just not enjoying the game. For those of you not in the know, Guild Wars is another in the series of recently released mmorpgs. Its far worse than World of Warcraft and I may even say I dislike it more than Star Wars Galaxies. I cant explain it, I'm just not able to get into it, which is odd because it seems outwardly to be a very immersive game. I guess I just dont like any of the classes which is a real problem. Also I dont feel like I am advancing at all, you dont get skills based on levels, you get them based on quests, and i've dont a lot of really hard quests and only got crappy skills. At level 8, in a system with a cap of lvl 20, I havn't gotten ANY new skills other than the really simple starting skills. Needless to say this is extremely extremely lame to play as. Everything seems to absolutly require groups, which is very difficult because most missions take a very long period of time. It seems like the game is set up for people to play it easily single player, but the missions are set up to be impossible to play as a single player. This contrast really hurts the gameplay. I think this might be 50 bucks down the drain. Even worse perhaps one of the only activities I was planning to occupy me for the majority of my free time at the beginning of summer is sunk. So much for replacing friends with video games, i've gots nothng now.

Well I was hoping to get an awesome game of D&D Faerun going this summer. I was really willing to put a lot of time into designing mobs and encounter levels and treasure and stuff. But two of the people I wanted in my game dropped out so that means I'm looking at one person for sure, and possibly another, and that possibly is probably a no. Even with two though its still not worth running as I refuse to run a bunch of npc's. This summer is going to be one lonely summer. I guess one thing will be as I wanted it to be, all school year I had been looking forward to summer to get into shape. My plan is to gain about 20 pounds of muscle over the summer. I know it seems like a lot but I have a whole regimine set up, and if I count converting body mass I already have into muscle that means I will more likely be gaining about 15 pounds over my current weight. I went to the fitness store a bought some more weights. We have a bowflex and I love that thing but it sucks for doing curls. It works ok for bench pressing and crunches though. I've also decided to take up biking again, I pulled my bike down from the ceiling of the garage and dusted it out. I need to buy some padded biking shorts and other assorted biking materials. I've bought a few months of tanning and am getting my hair cut tommorow, though I doubt any of this will make me feel better. Maybe it will, people say when you look better you feel better. Anybody out there wanna be my friend? : -(

Why does everybody want me to believe in some sort of God. I just dont see why I should worship some guy who isn't doing anything for me. I believed once, I committed, and look where I am today. I slowly lost faith until its now gone. Thats that. I gave god a chance and he gave me the cold shoulder, I dont give second chances when it comes to faith. Oh sure I have some belief, I admit there is probably a god, and on occassion I will pray. I only ever pray for strength though, for myself and others, and I know it dosen't ever work for myself, I can only hope it works for others. I havn't been to church in 3 years or confession in like 6 and I have no desire to. I am basically telling anyone who reads this blog, which is apparently more than 0 people, that I am not a christian, and I am not going to be, so if you have advice for me, please keep it non-christian, as I've given christianity a chance. If you have buddhist advice, or islamic advice, I'd be willing to take it, but I'm done with christianity. Thanks.

Sitting alone at 2 am. Wishing I could get to sleep. Exams tommorow. No sleep is a bad grade. Whats wrong with me. I always lose the things and people that i love. Whats wrong with me. I know whats wrong with me. Severe depression and social anxiety disorder. I suppose that means lonely life forever for me. 3 out of 3 relationships destroyed because of it. Medication dosen't help. I only want to sleep. I must sleep. I wish i could sleep forever. I hope there isn't an afterlife because I dont think i'm going to enjoy it. The cold darkness of death used to scare me, not anymore, its just sleep, and I need sleep.

Yeah i'm depressed again. A little different from last time though because this time i'm actually taking my medicine. I have no corporal friends. All my friends are on a computer, and that simply isn't good enough. I woke up today wanting to do something with somebody, but then I realized that no matter how much I want to, I dont have a single person who would do something with me. No-one, not a one. So what are my plans for today? To fucking sit here in my chair and stare and words for the next 8 hours until I'm too tired to stay awake anymore then go to bed crying because I've had such a crappy weekend. Hooray. Oh wait, maybe i'll turn on the tv, wouldn't that be sweet! Its also possible that I might drive 2 minutes alone to the chinese place and get some dinner though. Wow that a saturday! You know what this saturday reminds me of? Friday, during which I did the exact same thing! And you know what Friday reminds me of? Thursday night when I sat at my computer and stared at words until 3 am. Every god damned day the same idiotic thing. Well off I go. I am such a loser.

I dont think i've ever been this close to seriously hurting someone else or myself. I would really prefer to hurt someone else. I would really really like to beat someone up, i dont care who. I wish someone would try to rob me or something becaue then i would have a reason to punch them. I dont really care if they hurt me back, it might be better that way. I wish someone would knock me unconscious for at least a couple days, then maybe the hate would go away. Hate for people, hate for myself, hate for every single thing in my life, i hate it all. I wish there was a way i could just wipe the slate clean. Maybe i should just move and not tell anyone. Life would suck for a while but eventually i would get on my feet again. Then again life would probably suck more than it does now because at least now i have simple necessities, something i probably wouldn't have then. I guess i just hate life in general, i wish there was another life i could choose, that might make me happy, but unfortunately I am stuck with my life. Perhaps if I had a different brain things would be better. Sometimes I wish i was stupider, then maybe i wouldn't care so much. I hope something burns down tonight, I cant explain it but that might make me feel better even if I'm not involved. I'm actually surprised I managed not to crash my car on purpose on the way home, but theres something about this room that just brings out anger and depression in me. Its like theres some sort of spell on this room that makes my mood 100x worse when I enter it. I can remember walking down the hall and feeling extremely depressed and angry, then nothing happened, and now i'm angrier than I have been in longer than I can remember. I don't get angry much, but right now i seriously need to break something. I feel like theres 1000 pounds of anger pressure inside me and theres just no god damned way to let it out. I swear to god i hate life and if I ever make ot to heaven I am going to punch god or jesus or st. peter or whomever the hell is up there right in the face for making it suck so much because its their god damned face. Well i guess its not really st. peter's fault, so i'll wait until i see the 'creator'. I mean seriously, what kind of sucky ass creator do you have to be to make a world this imperfect. And then not to fix it? i mean come on, what are you just lazy? Did you run out of resources in a gigantic strategy game? WHAT!! Christ you suck at worldbuilding god, unless you are just mean and malicious and enjoy watching people suffer, in that case you do fairly well. What pisses me off most of all I think is that I know that tommorow I wont be angry anymore. I mean wtf, anger is anger, why does it just go away. When i am angry about something, i hate having it just fucking go away, because its like i fucking forgot the reason i was angry. Its still fucking there, life still sucks, i just forgot about it until something else happens then i go 'oh yeah, living is futile because god dosen't like us'. So yes, I blame god for everything that happens on earth. Why not? Some people thank god for everything that happens, so why cant I blame him, i mean in theory its the samn damned thing, god just seems to always only get credit for the good shit. If you thank god for positive things, you must also blame him for negative things, its just the way it works. I wish i could only be credited with the good things I did and have people shrug off all the evil things I did as 'just shit that happens' or 'god has a plan for everything'. Hey, maybe his plan is to do random shit, ever think of that? If he has a plan, why does it have to be such a shitty plan too, i mean wtf, does god just sit up there with one of those big steel drums with everyone's name in it, rolls it, goes 'ok, bob wins the lottery' rolls it again 'and jim dies of colon cancer! I've got a plan for everyone!'. Or maybe he just likes some people more than others. The odd thing is it dosen't seem to matter whether you even believe he exists for him to like you over someone who devotes his or her life to him. I mean why dont we see lower rates of cancer in people of god, shouldn't we? If we dont then we must conclude that god certainly dosen't reward praise in any way that can be proven. Oh yeah, that afterlife shit, well i doubt hell can be a whole lot worse then this. Assuming its some sort of physical pain, at least I could get used to it. Here on earth god cooks up new ways to hurt me every day or so. I have concluded that emotional pain is far worse than physical pain, especially since you cant die from emotional pain. At least with physical pain, you know that if it hurts enough you're going to die. Not so with emotional pain, emotional pain seems to be infinite. Well i could go on and on with this but instead i'm going to take some nyquil go to bed and hope I die before i wake up.

I present today further evidence that the universe must keep everything in balance. Whenever there is a positive, there must be an equal negative. I wish this was not the case but it seems, at least in my experience, to be a rule.

I had a very good christmas, getting everything I was hoping for along with a bunch of things i didnt ask for but really enjoy. Everyone also seemed to enjoy everything I gave them, which always makes me happy. The day after christmas I proceeded to enjoy my spoils and feel fairly good about myself, then all hell broke loose.

The evening of the day after christmas my grades from school came. I did as well as I feel I could have, but apparently not good enough, because, according to my parents, I will never be able to get into dental school with the grades I have...ever...period. So basically what I wanted to do is impossible and now I have no idea what i want to do. Hooray for some of life's largest dreams being uncaringly crushed by angry parents! After that i proceeded to go on a sleeping binge that lasts until today, sleeping away up to 18 hours of the day only getting up to get something to drink then going back to sleep again. Somehow in those few waking hours life managed to progressively get worse and worse. As if nights of restless sleep, the phrase "I hate you" going over and over in my head from my own mind and directed at myself, and lack of desire to keep on living wasn't enough, life must continue to torment me. My parents continue to rain fire down upon me, giving me less than a day to deal with this and badgering me to choose a new profession. Yeah i'll just do that real quick, give me half a night to deal with the loss of a year and a half of work in college along with my dreams of money and a good profession to re-arrange my life and decide what i'm going to do with it, thats a good idea. I barely remember yesterday but i know it was bad, it just seems like its all a haze of getting yelled at and sleeping. This morning I remember though, quite clearly. I had a chiropractic appointment with this doctor that my mom likes. It was at like 10:30 so i had to get up painfully early and go over there. I was almost late, and then had to fill out a four page thing so i ended up actually being late, which stressed me out. Of course as always i didnt eat anything. So i wait for the doctor for like 45 minutes AFTER being 20 minutes late and finally get in. Of course the doctor asks me how school is going and i have to tell him its going fine because what am i gonna say 'oh yeah, schools going awfully, i just found out i cant do what i want to'. Then he proceeds to talk with me for like, literally 10 minutes about dentistry and orthodontia so i have to lie like 100 times because of that first lie because i cant go back on it. Then i have to take of my clothes and wear one of those stupid gowns and stand up while he proceeds to talk to me for another TWENTY MINUTES. And keep in mind this doctor is the creepiest guy I have ever seen, he looks like a homeless guy and he babbles like a homeless guy who went to medical school. Its like hes trying to confuse you as he talks. I start freaking out and go into a pretty severe hypoglycemic episode getting dizzy and nauseous. The doctor freaks out and starts babbling even more which makes me feel even worse. Anyway i dont remember a lot more of what happened there either. So anyway thats done, i go home and go to sleep until 6 or so as has been my habit the last few days. My parents yell at me to get up and for sleeping all day just like the day before and I have to go to my grandparent's house to see relatives that aren't actually related to me (step-relatives). So I go there in a daze and my parents yell at me for doing drugs or something I dont know. Anyway every single person there asks me how school is going so I have to lie some more and as if i dont need more reminders of how much I suck. I try to get away but i get yelled at to go talk to more relatives. After hours there I finally come home to find out that Jerry Orbach, an actor who has quickly risen to my top 5 male actors from his amazing performance on Law and Order, has passed away, which literally made me cry and is getting me teary-eyed right now just thinking about it. So I just hope things are balanced out now Universe because i honestly dont think I can take anymore.

Ok here is my long awaited review of the long awaited game Fable. I bought this game a short time after it was released with high hopes for a really interesting game. I was immediately captured by the graphics and the interesting story. One of the most interesting and unique parts of this game is how you age, reminescent of Ocarina of Time. Unfortunately you quickly age to adult and do next to nothing during your childhood years, so they seem almost like an oversight. You only really start doing missions after you become and adult. As anybody who has heard of this game knows, you have the choice of being either good or evil. This is an interesting aspect of the game, as your appearance changes with your alignment. Also it is often almost impossible to decide which choice is the 'good' choice and which is the 'evil' choice, which makes for a more realistic and interesting game in that aspect. I hate games where your choices are to either murder or feed the orphans, making the choice painfully easy when playing a certain alignment. There is also an experience system in this game where you gain experience for killing stuff or completing objectives that you can expend to gain strength, magic, or agility based skills such as health, strength (to hit power), thief skills, bow skills, and various spell levels. The thing you will notice immediately is if you dont gain some strength skills immediately, you will die in some of the later levels where enemies are thrown at you en mass and if you attempt to cast a spell you will be pummeled to death. Also, its hard to cut through enemies fast enough to gain eps if you dont have full strength. Anyway the plot slowly gets more and more stupid as the game goes on, a failure becoming more and more common with modern roleplaying games. The fact that the fighting is not turnbased makes things interesting for a while, just for a change. You actually control your character and can perform combos and such. There have been games like this before though so its nothing special. There is a rudimentary 'honor' system that affects the way the people of the world react to your presence. This is interesting initially, but you soon get fucking sick of the people of the world saying 'HEY, ITS THAT ONE HERO'. You can change your title, aka what people call you, but i didnt care enough to do this. The most dissapointing aspect of this game is the length. I literally beat this game in under 10 hours with completing many of the side quests. Granted i did not complete ALL the sidequests, but i did complete as many of them as i could remember to do. In other words, if it was on the map, i tried to complete it, so the only things i missed out on would have been 'secret'. Also the last boss is a massive wuss, and the ending is stupid, making the game painfully anti-climactic. The graphics and unique features of this game almost save it, but fall painfully short of propelling this game to the hype it was recieving prior to its release. For shame.

Final Rating: 6

This post is just to inform everyong about how excellent the semi-new TV show 'Venture Brothers" on Adult Swim is an incredibly excellent program. Everyone should watch it. It takes an episode or so to get into it because of all the different characters, but its really quite good once you get into it. Anyway, GO WATCH IT.